breath in breath out

i have to write.

sometimes writing to me is like breathing....

have to get away quick and put it on paper or ill suffocate.

He preached about marriage.

marriage.

its been awhile since i let words flow out of me in direct reflection of my emotions.

normally i am more thought out, controlled... i think before i post...

but hey

lets just shoot the shit for just a second.

He preached about marriage.

words flowed out of his mouth and pierced my heart in ways ive never experienced.

He preached about respect... it wasnt just inspiring or thought provoking it was convicting and life changing.

I cant reverberate the sermon verbatim.

basically.. it was a "How to" for a healthy marriage,

and unfortunately i indicate every ingredient required to fail in a relationship.

I would never marry me.

I dont trust men.I take full responsibility for things not working in the past.

Sometimes i feel like The shrew.I desperately want a man to prove me wrong about what ive experienced

but i treat them as if they have all hurt me.

I treat the innocent like the guilty.

i dont want to...

People are meant to experience marriage beyond emotions and circumstance,

something beyond love... commitment to be with and honor forever.

maybe had someone loved her past feelings, loved her like God loved her...

none of us would be here.

maybe its not to late. maybe its not to late for me either.

There is a such thing as true love, but its not what u think...

it makes choices and goes by the book, it lays down rules and chooses to cherish respect and hold...

To look away from things and to speak selflessly.

i can only pray to God that he has enough grace to cover my ignorance.

That he would still prove to me that i can be loved and committed to...

even though i dont deserve it.

it isnt okay to speak about your husband behind his back...

it isnt ok to nag at him about this or that...

it isnt ok to not believe in him as a man...

and it isnt ok for me to think that all men are like the one that left me.

I should be fortunate if there is anyone still reading on...

i'm so insignificant. I feel immmensly blessed if this is even stirring up your heart a little.

God is so big and so beautiful and can take you to places you've never seen.

I have to break habits that i cant explain and can barely control.

Only the spirit does work like this.

I can only pray that God will show me how to respect men... how to believe that i NEED them, even as friends.

...Show me how to be a good wife... even if i never marry...

Show me how to trust...

I can only hope that if at the end of my life... when its all said and done.. if i have made no advancements in my life and have no money.. and no friends...

...I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT I HAVE GROWN PAST WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS CAPABLE OF AND PAST THE UNFORTUNATE ROAD CIRCUMSTANCE PLACED ME ON...

THAT LIVES WERE CHANGED...

AND DESPITE WHAT CARDS WERE IN MY HANDS...

BY GODS AMAZING SPIRIT I BECOME EXACLTY WHO HE CREATED ME TO BE.

AND YOU TOO.

All to Him

and so much more.

- mdp

IN BETWEEN

I’ve recently had a new found love for the game basketball. I’ve been playing daily and getting increasingly better. Some other gym rats and I often get together and play an old school classic called knock out. I am consistently one of the first ones out, I get up to the hoop and people start shooting behind me and I panic… I just start firing the ball at the backboard frantically trying to make the shot before I’m out. Someone that I play with quite often tells me that I need to relax…

I was thinking about this concept and in general how I panic so quickly. I step up to the free throw line of life and I start thinking about my future.. and how old I am… and how I have no clue what I am doing.. how I haven’t finished school.. and im not married… and how I should be speaking in stadiums and saving the whole world by now.. and uh.. AHH!! PANIC!!! So I just start firing at the backboard missing everyshot, focused on everyone watching and how im failing constantly. I spent so much time in anguish and feeling like I had no solution to my worry.

A few days ago I was working out on the Step Mill and I decided to set it one level higher than normal. I huffed and puffed and sweat for 30 minutes.. I almost didn’t make it I swear, and at the end of it I looked at my calories burned and it was only 5 calories more than before… FIIIIIIVVVEEE!!!! I felt so discouraged.

Moments after I was watching the KU vs KS game on the arch trainer where Kansas was being crushed by K-state. I wanted to cry. I kept getting frustrated because they were wasting all their shots on 2-pointers when I wanted them to go for 3. At the time we were down by 11, I kept yelling “come on score some big ones”!! A friend of mine looked at me and said “Mindy, there’s no such thing as an 11 point shot” Then it hit me…

Life happens slowly. In order to get to a level on the Step Mill where I saw results happening I had to go through levels where I didnt, Because although level 10 may not burn as much, 11 and 12 will. But this ultimately has nothing to do with calories. It has to do with the fact that life happens one step at a time, and sometimes certain steps or seasons are gonna make no sense whatsoever. Were not going to understand some things but we have to trust that its part of His plan for our lives. I want to end up in these big places but I’m skipping all the little steps in between. I believe that God is going to use me in BIG ways in SMALL places. I know that He has so much purpose for me in the HERE and NOW but ive got to take my eyes off the future and place them on the present. Seasons are flying by and hopefully someday I’ll see dreams happen… but for now and maybe forever… I am ready for the IN BETWEEN.

- mdp

“Breathe in me Your life I can feel You are close now, I can never hide
 You are here and You know me. All I need is You And I love You. Breathe in me Your life ‘Til Your love overtakes me, Open up my eyes Let me see You more clearly. Falling on my knees ‘Til I love like You love me."