A plot against the heart

I'm trying to figure out while all this... everything... is bothering me.

I get trapped inside my own frustration and I can't get out. I am trying to be the judge of things that can't be proven, but i fear most of the time my intuition isn't far off.

There are moments in life where my mind and my heart gang up against me. They come up with these ideas that logic and biblical truth can't refute. They form their own opinions and then they take me away...

I wish it was as easy as just a choice. It doesn't really feel like my heart has one. It can't just choose the right perspective. It just feels... and responds. So the question is how do I redirect my heart? How can I convince it to have empathy for things it doesn't understand?

How do I tell my heart to ignore my mind that that is constantly feeding in its own diagnosis of every situation. How can I trust someone else more than I trust myself? The real question of everything is do I guide all these situations and the results they produce, or does God? Do I really trust that God, whether it involves lies or no lies, evil or good, will bring it all together? Is he the protector or am I? And ultimately do I trust God to decide where there's darkness in mans heart? Or do I cast it upon myself to hate and punish those that are guilty for things that i'm sure are far more innocent than the evil in my own heart.

The problem is not getting information from my head to my heart, because my heart can absolutely not be trusted. It is getting to the point where I act on what I know despite what my heart may be saying. Even though my heart says to retreat and to hold on to all offenses, I have to find a way to be open, to love and accept, moving forward and saying YES when my heart is building walls, screaming, crying, and pleading.. NO.

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Oh God help me to leave judging to you. Help me to trust. Help me to love anyone with arms wide open and to learn to ignore my own personal vendettas.

breath in breath out

i have to write.

sometimes writing to me is like breathing....

have to get away quick and put it on paper or ill suffocate.

He preached about marriage.

marriage.

its been awhile since i let words flow out of me in direct reflection of my emotions.

normally i am more thought out, controlled... i think before i post...

but hey

lets just shoot the shit for just a second.

He preached about marriage.

words flowed out of his mouth and pierced my heart in ways ive never experienced.

He preached about respect... it wasnt just inspiring or thought provoking it was convicting and life changing.

I cant reverberate the sermon verbatim.

basically.. it was a "How to" for a healthy marriage,

and unfortunately i indicate every ingredient required to fail in a relationship.

I would never marry me.

I dont trust men.I take full responsibility for things not working in the past.

Sometimes i feel like The shrew.I desperately want a man to prove me wrong about what ive experienced

but i treat them as if they have all hurt me.

I treat the innocent like the guilty.

i dont want to...

People are meant to experience marriage beyond emotions and circumstance,

something beyond love... commitment to be with and honor forever.

maybe had someone loved her past feelings, loved her like God loved her...

none of us would be here.

maybe its not to late. maybe its not to late for me either.

There is a such thing as true love, but its not what u think...

it makes choices and goes by the book, it lays down rules and chooses to cherish respect and hold...

To look away from things and to speak selflessly.

i can only pray to God that he has enough grace to cover my ignorance.

That he would still prove to me that i can be loved and committed to...

even though i dont deserve it.

it isnt okay to speak about your husband behind his back...

it isnt ok to nag at him about this or that...

it isnt ok to not believe in him as a man...

and it isnt ok for me to think that all men are like the one that left me.

I should be fortunate if there is anyone still reading on...

i'm so insignificant. I feel immmensly blessed if this is even stirring up your heart a little.

God is so big and so beautiful and can take you to places you've never seen.

I have to break habits that i cant explain and can barely control.

Only the spirit does work like this.

I can only pray that God will show me how to respect men... how to believe that i NEED them, even as friends.

...Show me how to be a good wife... even if i never marry...

Show me how to trust...

I can only hope that if at the end of my life... when its all said and done.. if i have made no advancements in my life and have no money.. and no friends...

...I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT I HAVE GROWN PAST WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS CAPABLE OF AND PAST THE UNFORTUNATE ROAD CIRCUMSTANCE PLACED ME ON...

THAT LIVES WERE CHANGED...

AND DESPITE WHAT CARDS WERE IN MY HANDS...

BY GODS AMAZING SPIRIT I BECOME EXACLTY WHO HE CREATED ME TO BE.

AND YOU TOO.

All to Him

and so much more.

- mdp

IN BETWEEN

I’ve recently had a new found love for the game basketball. I’ve been playing daily and getting increasingly better. Some other gym rats and I often get together and play an old school classic called knock out. I am consistently one of the first ones out, I get up to the hoop and people start shooting behind me and I panic… I just start firing the ball at the backboard frantically trying to make the shot before I’m out. Someone that I play with quite often tells me that I need to relax…

I was thinking about this concept and in general how I panic so quickly. I step up to the free throw line of life and I start thinking about my future.. and how old I am… and how I have no clue what I am doing.. how I haven’t finished school.. and im not married… and how I should be speaking in stadiums and saving the whole world by now.. and uh.. AHH!! PANIC!!! So I just start firing at the backboard missing everyshot, focused on everyone watching and how im failing constantly. I spent so much time in anguish and feeling like I had no solution to my worry.

A few days ago I was working out on the Step Mill and I decided to set it one level higher than normal. I huffed and puffed and sweat for 30 minutes.. I almost didn’t make it I swear, and at the end of it I looked at my calories burned and it was only 5 calories more than before… FIIIIIIVVVEEE!!!! I felt so discouraged.

Moments after I was watching the KU vs KS game on the arch trainer where Kansas was being crushed by K-state. I wanted to cry. I kept getting frustrated because they were wasting all their shots on 2-pointers when I wanted them to go for 3. At the time we were down by 11, I kept yelling “come on score some big ones”!! A friend of mine looked at me and said “Mindy, there’s no such thing as an 11 point shot” Then it hit me…

Life happens slowly. In order to get to a level on the Step Mill where I saw results happening I had to go through levels where I didnt, Because although level 10 may not burn as much, 11 and 12 will. But this ultimately has nothing to do with calories. It has to do with the fact that life happens one step at a time, and sometimes certain steps or seasons are gonna make no sense whatsoever. Were not going to understand some things but we have to trust that its part of His plan for our lives. I want to end up in these big places but I’m skipping all the little steps in between. I believe that God is going to use me in BIG ways in SMALL places. I know that He has so much purpose for me in the HERE and NOW but ive got to take my eyes off the future and place them on the present. Seasons are flying by and hopefully someday I’ll see dreams happen… but for now and maybe forever… I am ready for the IN BETWEEN.

- mdp

“Breathe in me Your life I can feel You are close now, I can never hide
 You are here and You know me. All I need is You And I love You. Breathe in me Your life ‘Til Your love overtakes me, Open up my eyes Let me see You more clearly. Falling on my knees ‘Til I love like You love me."

RESTLESS

I hope your hoping for what i hope for

im restless nearly breathless wanting so much more

inside my chest my heart sits and waits

not sure how many chances one heart can take

i dont want to step back

but i cant move any closer

i've been here before

and then he chose her

emphatically searching

for this doubt that keeps lurking

beyond my heart

and into my soul

i was crying on the floor

he took the pieces of my heart

and made them whole

now its protected

where it cant be rejected

and to be found now

u have to be searching

through Jesus somehow.

today after work i went to the gym.
You know how there's always that random object in your bag/purse/drawer that you never use but is always there?
Like a lip gloss, notepad, or whatever really.
Well every time i shuffle through my gym bag there's these pink headphones.
They are old and i don't use them anymore.
Today however, i realized i forgot my headphones...
i started panicking, frantically searching through my bag.
I checked all hidden pockets, and under everything. It was hopeless.
That's when i looked down and glared directly at my old headphones,
As if they did something to offend me.
I all of the sudden felt really irritated because i knew they felt different on my ears, and weren't as good quality as my other ones.
for a second i even contemplated skipping my workout!
You see it wasn't too long ago that i was working out everyday with those same headphones.
I didn't have any problems. To me, they were as good as gold.
I had started this job at best buy, and don't get me wrong here i love best buy its just, there was so much technology.
Everyday i was introduced to some new gadget, it blew my mind.
All the sudden i wanted the latest in everything... i NEEDED the latest.

My ordinary things were just not good enough anymore... certain things needed to be high def, ipods needed to be updated, my phone gps was nothing compared to having a REAL GPS with ADVANCED LANE GUIDANCE and LIFE TIME TRAFFIC.
It's endless.. the list of things i NEEDED... voice recording pen, mac book pro, new SLR, a Wii, wii fit, digital wireless frame, point &shoot canon, ipad, ihome, iphone, powermat.. and on and on and on...
i was tallying up things in my head that i would buy one at a time.
but lets get back to my point here... my headphones.. and the gym...
i got them out of my bag and my heart felt sad...
sad that i was all of the sudden to good for these perfectly good headphones.
I was a SLAVE TO TECHNOLOGY! CRAAAAAAPPP!!! haha.

i was reminded in a weird way that even though technology can be convenient and helpful,
it has potential to spoil your humility.
i dont want to need things.
i dont want to need money
and i certainly don't want to feel pressure to upgrade what already works.
all i'm saying here is, i dont want to get carried away in things that DONT matter at all.

AND NOTHING I MEAN NOTHING DEFINES ME BUT JESUS.
not my job
not my friends
not my family
and CERTAINLY not my THINGS.

im excited about south africa, to see people who live with the bare minimum, and who truly are the epitome of JOY.

thanks for listening.

- mdp